On my flight from London to New York this week, I grimaced as I took my seat. Adjacent to me was a young lady, who later confirmed her age as being 27 years. What had made me roll my eyes was that she had her fourteen-month daughter, on her lap, ready to be my companion for the 8-hour journey that lay before us. Not a welcoming thought.
This is really not about the kid. Or how she actually turned out to be quite an angel during the entire flight, barring a few goo goo and gaa gaa’s, no yelling, no tantrums. I suspect that’s because her mum was the one who needed to be looked after!
The young lady introduced herself as Miriam (she insisted on doing this with almost all the passengers in the cabin, realizing the temporary aversion most frequent fliers have to ‘baby-on-board’). She felt compelled to assure me that her little girl would be no problem as they’ve been doing the London – New York round trip practically every two weeks for the past six months. The reason – she was in a divorce battle with little Michelle’s dad.
I raised my eye-brows and nodded of concern, to which she chirped on to educate me how this was her second divorce; the first one came through quite easily actually, from which she has a three year old son, who throws tantrums in-flight, which is why she preferred to leave him with her mum.
Two divorces by the age of 27. And from the looks of it, Miriam is far from being all done and dusted with the business of marriage. She volunteered how it is just too bad that these two relationships haven’t worked out. But that wasn’t going to stop her from finding true love, she determined.
At this point, my face wore an expression akin to that smiley with the inverted S shaped mouth. On cue, she explained that she came from a very conservative Jewish family, and that my expression was one that she was more than accustomed to.
When I gently asked if she thought it would be challenging to find a man to be a father to her two kids, pat came her reply “Oh my kids have their dads. I need a husband.”
Wow! What a bazooka of an answer! How can a 27 year old have figured out that in the complex matrix of relationships that parental and marital expectations must separate at some point? Is this what gets taught in Relationship 101? Who updated the course with new material and forgot to let the world know?!
And then it dawned. After generations of being the reason why failing marriages remained propped up by an exaggerated sense of parental accountability, there is a new breed emerging that’s living by their vows – to love and to hold, till death do them part – in this case, death being that of a marriage!
Interestingly, these same vows say nothing that you need to have kids and hang in there irrespective of the death of your marriage! Wonder who interpreted this to mean that…
By now my dear readers, I expect some of you to question my qualification as a single female without children to comment on this rather sensitive subject. Especially when it is always ‘about the children’. Well, deal with the fact that I am as unbiased a commentator as one can get on the subject and this is my blog!
I expect some of you to feel offended. Come one. So did I, prior to this epiphany. Especially when Miriam spoke with a certain sense of blasé about her divorces. But her simple distinction of the permanence of parenthood having nothing to do with the temporary state of her marriage made me realize how much better off kids who find themselves in such situations would be, if this was the way divorce was handled.
Imagine being born into a world, where from day one of cognizance, you are assured by your parents that no matter what and come what may, the two of them would be your parents. And how much stronger would you be if you never entwined the commitment of their marriage with their commitment to you. This applies to kids dealing with divorced parents as much as kids dealing with parents who fail to get along but continue to live together for meaningless reasons. I think an en masse realization of this nature would shut down an entire industry of shrinks that thrive on resolving issues arising from this misnomer.
I expect Miriam will find her husband. Or at least I know she will keep looking. What I also know is that her kids will always have their parents. Nothing’s going to change that.
MA
you’ve writen this really well – i found myself amused and touched at the same time !!
This is a very sensitive topic and may evoke very diverse views which probably explains why most people have chosen to stay clear of commenting on the same. I just have the following submission:
• If marriage is only about oneself and one’s companion, then when and why do we take a call to bring kids into this world?
• If companionship is the prime reason, then why marriage at all?
• This whole BPO generation (youth of today) have given an entirely new meaning to ‘self interest’ but how does one explain to them that while their kids may have Dads but also a string of uncles which confuses their little innocent minds
• Lastly each one may have the freedom and right to lead their lives as they deem fit but does it have to be at the cost of or frivolity of ignoring the lives attached to oneself? And I don’t just mean kids here
As always Mon, awesome insight. Where most of us would have taken a surfacial or judgment call on a conversation like this, you find an insight that causes your readers and followers to go “Hmmmm….aaaah!!!”
Every conversation with you whether synchronous or asynchronous leaves me with more than I came in with. Thank you.